Wednesday, May 27, 2015
It's storming outside, but it feels like there's another storm raging inside my head. Looking at the scale this morning was awful. 125.2. I was doing so well, I hadn't been in the 120s for months, and now it's all ruined. Got on the treadmill and burned 200 calories. Went grocery shopping with Da and picked out some healthy, i.e. low/no calorie, food for dinner; spinach, shredded carrots, a lemon, an avocado, and a cucumber for a yummy salad. Was hungry when we got home, so rummaged through the fridge until I found ice glazed chicken breast fillets. One 4oz serving equaled 120 calories. I hate when the serving sizes for things are measured by ounces! Just tell me how many pieces that is! Luckily, Da pulled out a food scale and I picked the smallest piece of chicken I could find. 3.88oz= 116.4 calories. Season it with some salt, pepper, and lemon juice and it tastes good without adding any extra calories. Unfortunately, while it was baking, I could feel myself becoming hungrier and hungrier. Instead of enjoying a healthy, sparse piece of chicken, I went completely out of control and made it into a sandwich, with mayo, TWO pieces of cheese, and Baco bits. Then, to make matters worse, I polished off a box of Cheez-its and FIVE granola bars. Of course, I couldn't let all that sit inside of me and turn into fat. Da was upstairs, having a nod-off, so I was able to purge all of it. Then I got back on the treadmill and burned another 200 calories. I hope when I get home I can drop all this extra weight quick. I want to get back down to my goal weight of 113lbs. The other thing messing up my head is Sir. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I think, in my case, it just makes me think about running away. The wedding this past weekend made me realize that I do want marriage and a family someday... but with Sir. And with Sir dating both of us, there's a chance that He may choose to have those things with her and not me. I think that would honestly kill me. How best to avoid that kind of pain? Just get out now. I know He had a lot of fun with her while I was gone, and it makes me wonder if He even missed me at all. Or how much He missed me. I'm so messed up in the head and out of control that I don't even know why or how He puts up with me. Why does love have to come with such a tremendous risk? Is it even worth it? I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens when I get home. Meanwhile, I'll try to quell all the madness going on upstairs. Something I'm sure is much easier said than done. Peace and love til later.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
It's about twenty past one in the morning, and I have a very strong urge to cut myself. Today, I've eaten an entire serving of fried rice with chicken, beef, and shrimp, a large ice cream sundae, chips and guacamole, six carnitas fajitas, and a large beer... and I haven't purged any of it. While I've been able to purge some of my food over the past week at my parent's house, it's been pretty difficult. I have no idea how much I weigh right now, and I'm terrified of what the scale will say tomorrow. I've already put on about five pounds, if I'm remembering correctly what I weighed when I left California last week. I'm so disappointed in myself right now. Instead of getting back down to my goal weight, I'm getting farther away from it. Well, I'm not going to wait until I finally get home on Thursday to start fixing this awful mess. I'm going to start immediately. Tomorrow, it's zero food and the treadmill, as long as I can stand it. If I can even make it until Saturday to eat, all the better. I just want to be pretty and thin. Goodnight, moon.